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Have you heard about the new support group for people who talk too much?

It’s called OnAndOn-Anon…

I talk too much. I have for as long as I can remember, as long as anyone who knows me can remember. I talk to fill dead space in conversations, I talk because I have a million jokes and twice as many stories for almost any situation, I talk when I’m nervous, I talk to keep a conversation going, I talk because I’m afraid silence will come across as rude, I talk if I sense tension, and I talk because I just have an affinity for words. Most people who know me very well at all would likely say I’m a talker. The only exception would be if I’m in a group larger than about 6 people, or if I’m just getting to know someone. Outside of that, Tyler’s talking.

The way words work together and the structure of sentences is like a big box of building blocks to me. I enjoy finding new ways to say something and even creating new words on the fly. It can be a fun game and I have always entertained myself with word play. That’s not to say my word choice or grammar is always perfect; I am susceptible to the colloquial just like anyone else. This post and all the rest will be full of typos and errors and informal language. I just happen to delight in the mechanics of language.

But as with sweets or spending, after I over-indulge I often have regret. I find myself frequently embarrassed in hindsight by either the sheer volume of the words I used or the odd, goofy, inappropriate, or tone-deaf things I may have said. I’m also learning in my later years that I’ve probably missed thousands of opportunities to learn or understand another person because of my own need to talk.

I can see how my hyper-loquacity has impacted my relationships and it is almost always negatively. I feel that my need to talk eventually caused a divide in my marriage. Eventually, I suppose, constant talking becomes a buzz that you have to tune out or you go crazy. My ex-wife says she never felt that way but I can’t help but think it’s there on a subconscious level. My kids are all quiet, my daughter especially, and I wonder if it’s because they grew up knowing they’d rarely get a word in edgewise. I’m sure there are friends who needed an ear and I gave them a yapper instead. And they’ve all just been too nice to say “Dude, shut up already.” And I know deep down that if I don't learn to control it my future relationships will suffer similarly.

Stigmas be damned, there are also some mental health issues at play here. The inside of my head is a cacophony. Talking usually helps to untangle and focus some of the processes playing out inside. (See what I did there?) What sometimes might appear as TK on a stream-of-conscious roll is actually me teasing out one of these threads to give it voice and get it on its way.

It’s not all negative, to be sure. I love sarcasm and word-play and humor and have been told I use them well. I feel like I have a good appreciation of humor and a sense of timing and what makes people laugh. Sometimes it’s wildly inappropriate or ill-timed by design because I just happen to like dark and inappropriate humor. I enjoy making people laugh and can usually do so fairly easily.

Recently I’ve been more deliberate and considerate in how I use my words. I’ve found that fewer words really do carry more weight. I’ve found that I feel better about myself when I can sit in silence around another person. And I learn a lot more. On a recent walk with my ex wife I told her that I wasn’t going to speak for the duration of the walk, regardless of what she said to me. An experiment to see if I could even do it, but also to give her two ears to talk to since she’s been having some difficulties of her own. While she was happy to enjoy the silence most of the time, she was also able to say things she’s never said before. I think this was partially due to the fact that I promised not to speak so she didn’t have to worry about me interrupting, offering my side of things, making light of something, making a joke, etc. Maybe I was offering her a “consequence-free environment.” She enjoyed it, and so did I. Even though there were a million things I felt like I needed to say during this walk, I didn’t say them and it was still a good time.

I’ve started employing this at work and it helps me feel more calm in some high-stress situations. (I’m sure my co-workers would ask when the hell this guy was ever quiet) I feel more confident when I leave an interaction having deliberately kept quiet or used fewer words, probably because I don’t have to worry about what I said and how it was received. The nature of my job doesn’t allow me to be totally silent for a whole day, but I’ve been able to do it though entire meetings often.

The next step is a gift to myself. I’m going to disappear for a few days and give myself the silence that I need both in removing myself from the presence of many people (hiking in Colorado and the solo drive to and from), and not speaking (largely avoiding conversation). I’ll listen to music, enjoy the scenery and the physical challenge of an uphill hike with 40-ish pounds on my back, but I won’t speak or even write any words. Now, I imagine if I get stopped for speeding Imma break my silence. But you get the point.

After that, I aim to run this exercise periodically for hours or days, maybe even weeks. Maybe on a weekend in a big city. Maybe with my kids during a day on the town or at a concert. Hell, maybe even on BAK (but I’d miss talking to The Crew).

(Did anyone catch that? I left it in because it was how I initially typed it. …talking “to” , not talking “with…” Subtle, but very telling).

Either way, I’m sure I’ll learn from it and most likely have another post about what I’ve learned or what new way I’ve employed it. Or something wacky that occurred when I was quiet but shouldn’t have been. Isn’t that just the way it works sometimes?

Post Script:

There’s a chance some of you found this website by way of a card that was given to you…I hope you didn’t find my silence to be rude. Feel free to leave a comment and let me know.